The Sovereign Sloth

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Apr 4

drochfaol:

ryancrobert:

sexybritishllama:

no cough syrup

you are not ‘grape flavoured’

have you ever tasted a grape

you taste like death and the tears of small children

not fucking grape

wow what a surprise another cis-gendered white upper-middle class american male telling someone what they can and cannot identify as. why don’t you go fuck yourself

#i can no longer tell what is and isn’t a joke on tumblr any more

Apr 4

unicornbl000d:

Oh, so women can’t dress how they want because men can’t control their sexual urges? When dogs can’t control their sexual urges, we cut off their balls.

I think I’m onto something here.

Apr 4

colleyuriko:

image

Apr 4
skwinky:

lntruding:


Have you ever been to earth?
On earth, we use the word “burrito” to describe a tortilla filled with things you eat. Pretty simple stuff, and I’m surprised you at least got that part right. My burrito was, in fact, filled with food. In this, you and I agree and are friends. But this is also where my lifelong hatred begins for you and anyone else whose brain has been repeatedly scrubbed with the same mixture of bleach and Pop Rocks as yours has. Because that should have killed you, but left you around long enough to do what you did to me today. Let me explain:
You’re an idiot.
Let me further explain:
Burritos are eaten from one end to the other. So that means when you assemble a burrito with motherfucking ZONES of ingredients going that direction, you create a disgusting experience for the burrito’s end user. When you make a burrito, you should put the ingredients in layerslengthwise. That way, every bite has AT LEAST A FUCKING CHANCE of getting at least two types of ingredients, and there is little chance of becoming almost hopelessly trapped in a goddamned cilantro cavern.
Have you ever eaten one of the things you make all fucking day? You should try one. They are pretty good WHEN YOU ARE NOT WILLING YOURSELF THROUGH THE FUCKING EMPIRE OF SOUR CREAM ONLY TO END UP IN LETTUCE COUNTRY.
When you eat a burrito, you don’t stand it up and bite down on it lengthwise like a fucking Rancor. Humans can’t usually dislocate their jaws, and I’m not a fucking pelican. But you must think that’s how it’s done, since that would be THE ONLY FUCKING WAY to take a bite of your crapstrosity and have it taste like a burrito.
And guess what else, player? You probably can’t guess anything, because I’m pretty sure you’re just a mop with a hat on it that fell over and spilled some shit into a tortilla, but just in case, here’s what:
Humans also don’t eat burritos like fucking corn on the cob. Like a fucking typewriter from one end to the other a little at a time and then DING next line. But today I wish I had tried that. Because at least THEN I would be able to eat some rice, then beans, then be all like HEY BEANS I’LL BE RIGHT BACK JUST GOING OVER HERE TO THE GUACAMOLE FOR A SECOND.
Nope.
My experience was more like HEY BEANS IT’S JUST GOING TO BE YOU AND I FOR A MINUTE UNTIL I CAN FUCKING EXCAVATE THE RICE FROM BENEATH YOU BUT BY THEN YOU WILL BE A FADING MEMORY OH HEY I WAS WRONG I’M IN THE FUCKING CHEESEOSPHERE NOW RICE MUST BE NEXT I HOPE IT’S NOT ANOTHER FUCKING SALSA POCKET.
You built this thing like a fucking pack of LifeSavers.
And don’t even fucking think I’m about to open this shit up and re-engineer your nonsense 90 degrees. I ALREADY PUT A HOLE IN IT WITH MY FUCKING MOUTH. YEAH. THAT’S HOW I DISCOVERED YOU FUCKING SUCK AT LOOKING AT THINGS. I AM NOT GOING TO DO FUCKING TORTILLA ORIGAMI TO GET THIS SHIT BACK TOGETHER, ONLY TO END UP WITH A BURRITO THAT’S BEEN SHOT IN THE GUT AND IS BLEEDING YOUR INEPTITUDE.
What’s that? I should ask you to mix it up first next time? IS THIS JAMBA JUICE? I DON’T WANT TO DRINK MY FUCKING BURRITO THROUGH A BENDY STRAW, AND I DON’T WANT A PILE OF BURRITO SOUP IN A FLOUR CAN.
I just want a burrito.
In conclusion:
You’re the worst thing that has ever happened to the universe, you owe everyone everywhere an apology for this burritobomination, and I hope your babies look like monkeys.



UPDATE FOR EVERYONE WHO SAID “JUST EAT IT WITH A FORK”:
A fucking fork?
I DIDN’T ORDER THE FUCKING COBBURRITO SALAD.
If anyone ever handed me a burrito with a fork, THEY WOULD BE WEARING A BRAND NEW BURRITO HAT FROM MY FALL COLLECTION TEN SECONDS LATER.
That’s like buying a car and having them hand you a fucking wrench with the keys. Like YEAH WE KNOW THIS MOTHERFUCKER’S GOING TO EXPLODE AND BE SPREAD ACROSS EIGHT LANES AS SOON AS YOU HIT THE GAS, BUT SHIT, WE GAVE YOU A WRENCH, SO BE COOL.
Jesus already gave me two burrito forks. One at the end of each arm. They’re called fucking HANDS.
A fork. My god. I haven’t cried since I was six, but I’m fucking sobbing now.
People eat burritos with forks?
God is sorry he made us.
(Source)


I always need this on my blog.

skwinky:

lntruding:

Have you ever been to earth?

On earth, we use the word “burrito” to describe a tortilla filled with things you eat. Pretty simple stuff, and I’m surprised you at least got that part right. My burrito was, in fact, filled with food. In this, you and I agree and are friends. But this is also where my lifelong hatred begins for you and anyone else whose brain has been repeatedly scrubbed with the same mixture of bleach and Pop Rocks as yours has. Because that should have killed you, but left you around long enough to do what you did to me today. Let me explain:

You’re an idiot.

Let me further explain:

Burritos are eaten from one end to the other. So that means when you assemble a burrito with motherfucking ZONES of ingredients going that direction, you create a disgusting experience for the burrito’s end user. When you make a burrito, you should put the ingredients in layerslengthwise. That way, every bite has AT LEAST A FUCKING CHANCE of getting at least two types of ingredients, and there is little chance of becoming almost hopelessly trapped in a goddamned cilantro cavern.

Have you ever eaten one of the things you make all fucking day? You should try one. They are pretty good WHEN YOU ARE NOT WILLING YOURSELF THROUGH THE FUCKING EMPIRE OF SOUR CREAM ONLY TO END UP IN LETTUCE COUNTRY.

When you eat a burrito, you don’t stand it up and bite down on it lengthwise like a fucking Rancor. Humans can’t usually dislocate their jaws, and I’m not a fucking pelican. But you must think that’s how it’s done, since that would be THE ONLY FUCKING WAY to take a bite of your crapstrosity and have it taste like a burrito.

And guess what else, player? You probably can’t guess anything, because I’m pretty sure you’re just a mop with a hat on it that fell over and spilled some shit into a tortilla, but just in case, here’s what:

Humans also don’t eat burritos like fucking corn on the cob. Like a fucking typewriter from one end to the other a little at a time and then DING next line. But today I wish I had tried that. Because at least THEN I would be able to eat some rice, then beans, then be all like HEY BEANS I’LL BE RIGHT BACK JUST GOING OVER HERE TO THE GUACAMOLE FOR A SECOND.

Nope.

My experience was more like HEY BEANS IT’S JUST GOING TO BE YOU AND I FOR A MINUTE UNTIL I CAN FUCKING EXCAVATE THE RICE FROM BENEATH YOU BUT BY THEN YOU WILL BE A FADING MEMORY OH HEY I WAS WRONG I’M IN THE FUCKING CHEESEOSPHERE NOW RICE MUST BE NEXT I HOPE IT’S NOT ANOTHER FUCKING SALSA POCKET.

You built this thing like a fucking pack of LifeSavers.

And don’t even fucking think I’m about to open this shit up and re-engineer your nonsense 90 degrees. I ALREADY PUT A HOLE IN IT WITH MY FUCKING MOUTH. YEAH. THAT’S HOW I DISCOVERED YOU FUCKING SUCK AT LOOKING AT THINGS. I AM NOT GOING TO DO FUCKING TORTILLA ORIGAMI TO GET THIS SHIT BACK TOGETHER, ONLY TO END UP WITH A BURRITO THAT’S BEEN SHOT IN THE GUT AND IS BLEEDING YOUR INEPTITUDE.

What’s that? I should ask you to mix it up first next time? IS THIS JAMBA JUICE? I DON’T WANT TO DRINK MY FUCKING BURRITO THROUGH A BENDY STRAW, AND I DON’T WANT A PILE OF BURRITO SOUP IN A FLOUR CAN.

I just want a burrito.

In conclusion:

You’re the worst thing that has ever happened to the universe, you owe everyone everywhere an apology for this burritobomination, and I hope your babies look like monkeys.


UPDATE FOR EVERYONE WHO SAID “JUST EAT IT WITH A FORK”:

A fucking fork?

I DIDN’T ORDER THE FUCKING COBBURRITO SALAD.

If anyone ever handed me a burrito with a fork, THEY WOULD BE WEARING A BRAND NEW BURRITO HAT FROM MY FALL COLLECTION TEN SECONDS LATER.

That’s like buying a car and having them hand you a fucking wrench with the keys. Like YEAH WE KNOW THIS MOTHERFUCKER’S GOING TO EXPLODE AND BE SPREAD ACROSS EIGHT LANES AS SOON AS YOU HIT THE GAS, BUT SHIT, WE GAVE YOU A WRENCH, SO BE COOL.

Jesus already gave me two burrito forks. One at the end of each arm. They’re called fucking HANDS.

A fork. My god. I haven’t cried since I was six, but I’m fucking sobbing now.

People eat burritos with forks?

God is sorry he made us.

(Source)

I always need this on my blog.

Apr 4

nostalgiabyveidt:

onlinewifey:

smack that ass from 8 feet away

image

more like smack myself in the eye and cry for a few hours

Apr 4

andymasfar:

krystalynterski:

peachdoxie:

garnetflare57:

Some Nigel Thornberry gifs I’ve collected over a while.

Every so often one of these comes across my dash and I just start laughing hysterically because this meme is simultaneously one of the most pointless yet entertaining things ever.

oh my god

Thank you

Apr 4
beltsquid:

woodelf68:

smw006:

This looks like the type of horse that will lure you onto his back and then carry you into a lake.

Kelpie. Or possibly a Pooka. Do not trust horses who show up in the middle of nowhere and seem to want to give you a ride.

If you’re exceptionally unlucky it’s an each-uisge

beltsquid:

woodelf68:

smw006:

This looks like the type of horse that will lure you onto his back and then carry you into a lake.

Kelpie. Or possibly a Pooka. Do not trust horses who show up in the middle of nowhere and seem to want to give you a ride.

If you’re exceptionally unlucky it’s an each-uisge

(Source: whiteangelxoxo)

Apr 4

hella cute questions

- 1. Who was the last person you held hands with?
2. Are you outgoing or shy?
3. Who are you looking forward to seeing?
4. Are you easy to get along with?
5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you?
6. What kind of people are you attracted to?
7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now?
8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind?
9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?
10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?
11. What does the most recent text that you sent say?
12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?
13. Do you like it when people play with your hair?
14. Do you believe in luck and miracles?
15. What good thing happened this summer?
16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?
17. Do you think there is life on other planets?
18. Do you still talk to your first crush?
19. Do you like bubble baths?
20. Do you like your neighbors?
21. What are you bad habits?
22. Where would you like to travel?
23. Do you have trust issues?
24. Favorite part of your daily routine?
25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with?
26. What do you do when you wake up?
27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?
28. Who are you most comfortable around?
29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up?
30. Do you ever want to get married?
31. If your hair long enough for a pony tail?
32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with?
33. Spell your name with your chin.
34. Do you play sports? What sports?
35. Would you rather live without TV or music?
36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them?
37. What do you say during awkward silences?
38. Describe your dream girl/guy?
39. What are your favorite stores to shop in?
40. What do you want to do after high school?
41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?
42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean?
43. Do you smile at strangers?
44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean?
45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning?
46. What are you paranoid about?
47. Have you ever been high?
48. Have you ever been drunk?
49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about?
50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore?
51. Ever wished you were someone else?
52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself?
53. Favourite makeup brand?
54. Favourite store?
55. Favourite blog?
56. Favourite colour?
57. Favourite food?
58. Last thing you ate?
59. First thing you ate this morning?
60. Ever won a competition? For what?
61. Been suspended/expelled? For what?
62. Been arrested? For what?
63. Ever been in love?
64. Tell us the story of your first kiss?
65. Are you hungry right now?
66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends?
67. Facebook or Twitter?
68. Twitter or Tumblr?
69. Are you watching tv right now?
70. Names of your bestfriends?
71. Craving something? What?
72. What colour are your towels?
72. How many pillows do you sleep with?
73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?
74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have?
75. Favourite animal?
76. What colour is your underwear?
77. Chocolate or Vanilla?
78. Favourite ice cream flavour?
79. What colour shirt are you wearing?
80. What colour pants?
81. Favourite tv show?
82. Favourite movie?
83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2?
84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street?
85. Favourite character from Mean Girls?
86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo?
87. First person you talked to today?
88. Last person you talked to today?
89. Name a person you hate?
90. Name a person you love?
91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now?
92. In a fight with someone?
93. How many sweatpants do you have?
94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have?
95. Last movie you watched?
96. Favourite actress?
97. Favourite actor?
98. Do you tan a lot?
99. Have any pets?
100. How are you feeling?
101. Do you type fast?
102. Do you regret anything from your past?
103. Can you spell well?
104. Do you miss anyone from your past?
105. Ever been to a bonfire party?
106. Ever broken someone’s heart?
107. Have you ever been on a horse?
108. What should you be doing?
109. Is something irritating you right now?
110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt?
111. Do you have trust issues?
112. Who was the last person you cried in front of?
113. What was your childhood nickname?
114. Have you ever been out of your province/state?
115. Do you play the Wii?
116. Are you listening to music right now?
117. Do you like chicken noodle soup?
118. Do you like Chinese food?
119. Favourite book?
120. Are you afraid of the dark?
121. Are you mean?
122. Is cheating ever okay?
123. Can you keep white shoes clean?
124. Do you believe in love at first sight?
125. Do you believe in true love?
126. Are you currently bored?
127. What makes you happy?
128. Would you change your name?
129. What your zodiac sign?
130. Do you like subway?
131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?
132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?
133. Favourite lyrics right now?
134. Can you count to one million?
135. Dumbest lie you ever told?
136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed?
137. How tall are you?
138. Curly or Straight hair?
139. Brunette or Blonde?
140. Summer or Winter?
141. Night or Day?
142. Favourite month?
143. Are you a vegetarian?
144. Dark, milk or white chocolate?
145. Tea or Coffee?
146. Was today a good day?
147. Mars or Snickers?
148. What’s your favourite quote?
149. Do you believe in ghosts?
150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page? (via srushtinator)

(Source: catscuddlingandyou)

WHY DO THEY ALWAYS SLICE THEIR PALM TO GET BLOOD. do you know how many nerve endings are in your hand?!?! why don’t they ever cut the back of their arm or their leg or something omfg

-

me everytime a character in a movie has to get a few drops of their blood for some ritual bullshit  (via jtoday)

WHILE WE’RE AT IT, why do people try to cross those skinny bridges over lava/chasms/whatever by walking upright. IT’S CALLED CENTER OF GRAVITY. get on your hands and knees and crawl across that thing. HUG IT. SCOOT YOUR BUTT ACROSS. “but i look stupid!” lalalala but we’ll avoid that ~dramatic moment~ where you almost fall over and die because your damn fucking self wanted to look COOL

(via jtoday)

and stop yanking IV lines out of your arms the minute you wake up in the hospital 

(via panconkiwi)

TURN ON THE FRIGGIN LIGHTS WHEN YOU ARE HOME ALONE

(via hipstermidgardian)

PLEASE STOP TUCKING YOUR GUNS INTO THE FRONT OF YOUR PANTS PLEASE TAKE A BASIC FIREARMS SAFETY CLASS

(via theargylegargoyle)

catwornan:

in the south

  • we only refer to people as y’all. that group of people over there? y’all. our mamas? y’all. you? y’all.
  • everyone chews tobacco
  • we have wells where we can draw up sweet tea from the ground
  • nobody pursues education past the age of 12
  • we all know how to run a farm
  • we cry about the civil war at least once a day, twice on sundays 
  • only country music plays. ever 
  • y’all

(Source: shinymegampharos)